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Its
August Bank Holiday in the UK so what am I doing sitting here in front of my
computer when I could be outside ‘enjoying’ our lovely weather (ha!) or doing
what everyone else will be doing? … sitting in a traffic jam on the way to a
Garden Centre … oops sorry I meant the beach! well, to be honest, we, as in
me and Izu are waiting for a Fridge Freezer delivery, its due within a very
small timeslot (8am to 6pm, give or take 10 hours!)
Yes, it seems after nearly four months sharing a flat with my better half (have
to be nice, I KNOW She’ll be reading this later!) I’m showing signs of
domestication, even to the point of tidying the shed, (its a ground floor flat
before anyone gets strange visions of floating wooden buildings!) although some
might argue I was using the shed as a hiding place to escape Izu’s mum who was
here for a week to sample our lovely weather etc 2 weeks ago!
Now to be fair I get on fine with her mum, but we do have the true cliche of my
future Mother-in-law not understanding me! although her English has improved
from ‘you go eat now!’ in her domination of the kitchen for the week she did
offer to make an Apple Pee, and did have to point out that in the UK displaying
2 fingers a certain way round is rude! … but then again that could have been
intentional!
Did I
mention we’ve been here nearly 4 months? Well in that time have only heard one ‘hello’
from one of our neighbours, that is until Izus mum decided to make the most of
one of the rare glimpses of sunshine and drape some laundry out to dry along
the fence. Rather than actually say anything directly the neighbour decided to
write a letter and push it through our letterbox, starting with ‘dear tenants’
(nothing like getting off to a good start is there!) complaining that the fence
did not belong to our landlord blah blah blah. Izus been round a few times to
try and apologise for any misunderstanding but the neighbour refuses to open
the door to her (think the machete was a bad idea!) I did suggest writing to Mr
Putin and asking him to send a group of Russian ‘peacekeepers’ over top prevent
any further territorial violations, or train ‘Basia’ the Squirrel to patrol the
fence but as yet, no further ‘incidents’ to report.
My
attempts to learn Polish are slowly gathering pace, courtesy of Pimsleur I am
now able to confidently say if not spell Mami dwoije Dzeczi … although why I
would need to say ‘we have two children’ is anybodys guess. Given a few months I might
be able to say something useful to avoid ordering ‘dust with rice’ as I almost
managed in Poland.
Quick update …. Fridge freezer is due in the next hour! or so the phone call
said, but anyway, where was I? Showed Izu and her Mum around London where after
the traditional landmarks etc we all got to sample a very British (and Communist)
phenomenon, the queue for Madame Tussards, after an hours worth of queueing
outside we finally got inside the building for ….another hours worth of
queueing,
Besides
Izu and her Mum we also took a slightly smaller ‘guest’ with us to London, a
present from a Canadian ex-housemate who decided to return home after 18 yrs,
his photos will be on site when I get round to it
Anyway,
the freezer’s arrived (before 10am too) have to allow 4 hours before we
actually put anything in it though so will go and stare at it for a while … no
better not, its bigger than I am!
X R
Czesc R
Ponderisms
SHIPWRECKED:
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got
into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening
to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky
was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle –
a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep
started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to
the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective
of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the
sheep.
After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and
behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary
Clinton.
That evening, the man brought
Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red
sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
He fought the urges as long as he
could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t
had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was
anything she could do for him.
He said, ‘Would you mind taking
the dog for a walk?’
Two ladies talking in
heaven:
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I’m
Kelly. How’d you die?
1st woman : I Froze
to Death.
2nd woman : How
Horrible!
1st woman: It
wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died
of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in
the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what
happened?
2nd woman: I was so
sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over
the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I
kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad
you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked,’How does that feel’?
He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’
An elderly
woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president
of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many
lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took
the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The
president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her
purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’. The president was curious and asked
her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that
she made bets.
The
president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The
elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square.’
The
president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a
bet like that.
The
woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would
you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’,
replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’
‘Done’,
the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you
don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my
lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.
That
night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in
front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that,
checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way
he could lose the bet.
The
next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s
office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before
that t he president’s testicles were square
The
president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her
lawyer could see clearly.
The
president was happy to oblige.
The
elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if
she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of
money involved, you should be 100% sure.’
The
elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that
the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman
why he was doing that and she replied,
‘Oh,
it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the
morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !’
One day
while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt,
Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead
of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and
behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race. Before the next
race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old
priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, as the horses for the fifth
race came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of
one of the horses.
Mitch
made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again,
even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the
race.
Mitch
collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest
would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet
big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept
blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and
by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM,
withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him
which horse to bet on.
True to
his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed
the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also
observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch
knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then
watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state
of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting
the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you
blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed
lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all
of it!"
The
priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that’s
the problem with you protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a
simple blessing and the last rites."
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
01. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I’m not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
THE LOVE DRESS.
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you’re naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you’re naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time
he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
hours.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, " he said, "What’s for dinner?".
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ knickers and thongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts ’em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."
———————————————
An Indian migrated to America, and moved into an American neighbourhood; his American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.
The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it.
"Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.
The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow’s big fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man. "I’m sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man’s face.
The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."
Why men don’t write advice columns
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard the lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie Fox
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Ted
Five tricky questions for you:
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
Scroll down for the answers…..
The answers to all five questions:
1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbequing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
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