while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt,
Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead
of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race. Before the next
race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old
priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, as the horses for the fifth
race came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of
one of the horses.
made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again,
even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the
collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest
would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept
blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM,
withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him
which horse to bet on.
his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed
the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also
observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then
watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state
of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you
blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed
lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all
priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that’s
the problem with you protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a
simple blessing and the last rites."
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
01. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I’m not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
THE LOVE DRESS.
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
"But you’re naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you’re naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time
he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, " he said, "What’s for dinner?".